Who Needs Love?
by NatalieO01
Summary: Oneshot compilation about friendship during the most romantic and depressing time of year.
1. Preview

**Preview:**

 **Hey guys! So, I had this idea earlier this week, and decided, what the hell, why not publish it?**

 **So, how many of you guys are single Pringles and are tired of everyone getting flowers, or chocolates, or stuffed bears on Valentine's Day? And then going to your favorite Fanfiction site, and seeing all the lovey-dovey shit instead based around Valentine's Day?**

 **Or am I just the last single person in the world?**

 **Basically, this is a friendship fic about our favorite operatives while they are NOT in relationships. This is basically a friends Valentine's Day Fic, which I'm writing to protest the holiday (I mean, it's not that I don't like celebrating, hell my twin siblings were born on Valentine's Day, and we always give them heart shaped junk then real presents, I'm just lonely and hate all the people in relationships rn.)**

 **This fic is a oneshot compilation about friendship, with some possible romance later on. (Going against it I know, whatever I love romance!) It may contain parodies, song-fics, and other junk that is mainly based around friendship.**

 **I will update daily starting tomorrow, and until Valentine's Day. If you have a request, please PM me, or leave it in the reviews, and I'll get to it ASAP!**

 **See you tomorrow (hopefully)- Nat**


	2. Who Needs Love When You Have Paperwork?

Sixteen year olds Rachel, Nigel, Hoagie, Abby, Kuki, Wally, and Patton sat around Rachel's cluttered desk as they either stamped, signed, or wrote on paperwork Rachel hadn't done since Christmas. They were all miserable for two reasons. One, it was boring ass paperwork, and two it was that day.

Valentine's Day, or the most depressing day of the year.

They had all agreed to help Rachel today, since she needed the help, and it was an easy way to avoid all the couples making out or being all cuddly. It was disgusting to the hormonal, single teens.

"Jesus, Rach." Nigel said as he signed another paper. "Why haven't you done anything since Christmas?"

"Simple." She said. "I'm lazy, and this work is excruciatingly boring. And come on it's more fun to do it with friends!"

They all glared at her.

"I'm sorry, but it's just so hard to do alone!" She said. "And it makes you fall asleep so easily."

She gestured to Wally who had fallen asleep on a stack of files, stamp in hand.

"May I?" Hoagie asked.

"Go ahead." Rachel shrugged.

Hoagie then sent a kick to Wally's knee, which cause him to jolt from his sleep and sit up, a huge stamp mark stuck on his forehead.

"Morning, sleeping beauty." Abby said, a smirk playing on her lips.

"What'd I miss?" He asked sleepily, yawning loudly.

"You are supposed to be stamping." Rachel hissed. "So we can get done and leave. Speaking of slackers, where the hell is Fanny?"

Fanny then came back into the office, a huge plate of Valentine's Day cookies in her hands.

"Speak of the devil." Patton said. "What happened to the drinks we gave you money to get."

"Forgot about them." She shrugged. "But I stole these cookies from a Valentine's Day party!"

"Those'll do." Hoagie said, grabbing a cookie. He then threw it back down on the plate as soon as he saw the shape.

"What?" Fanny asked.

"Hearts." He grunted. "Stupid Valentine's Day."

"Oh my god." Abby said. "You of all people aren't going to eat a fucking cookie because it's shaped like a heart?"

"No, I'm protesting the holiday." Hoagie said. "All it is a corporate scam used to sell candy and lingerie."

"And I suppose you're refusing both the lingerie and candy items." Abby smirked.

"Wow, Hoagie not buying lingerie." Nigel added. "The market is taking a huge hit."

"Fuck you all!" He said. "Its not like anyone here is happily in a relationship."

"You're right." Rachel said. "Because there is no such thing as a happy relationship. All they are is fighting and denial for those involved."

"You guys are soooo depressing!" Kuki whined. "I'm going to turn on some music to tune out your whining."

Kuki then turned on her music when a familiar lyric came out.

 _"Love, Love,Love..."_

"No!" They all yelled to Kuki.

"Fine." Kuki snapped and turned the song.

 _"What would I do without you're smart mouth..."_

"No way, Kooks."

 _"Close your eyes, make a wish..."_

"Turn it."

 _"Blue jean baby...LA lady..."_

"Nuh-uh."

 _"...As long as you love me..."_

"Nope."

 _"Yellow Diamonds in the light.."_

"No."

 _"If I should stay..."_

"Please no. Hoagie does not need any encouragement."

 _"I keep on fallin'..."_

"No!"

"Fine!" Kuki yelled. "If no one can appreciate classic love songs, then I won't play them."

"That's be fine." Rachel said. "Besides, we don't need the distraction."

"This sucks." Kuki mumbled. "I'm just going to listen on my ear buds. Even though all of you caused me to lose all my skips.."

Kuki put her ear buds in and continued working to "Mirrors", which everyone could slightly hear.

After about twenty minutes of work, Wally let out a loud groan, which caused everyone to roll their eyes.

"What, Wally?" Rachel asked.

"This is sooooo boring." Wally groaned.

"Well, I tried to make it interesting through music, but you guys made me turn every song." Kuki said.

"They were all fucking love songs." Wally said. "What playlist was it anyways?"

"Um, Kuki's Ultimate Lovey Dovey Playlist for Valentine's Day Blues." Kuki said innocently.

"Of course it was." Wally said.

"Well sorry if I wanted to perk up the mood." She argued. "You guys are bummers."

"Kuki, it's the worst day of the year." Hoagie argued. "How can one not be a bummer when single."

"By, I don't know, celebrating!" Kuki said.

"Kuki, I said it once, and I'll say it again. Valentine's Day is bullshit! It's for people to wast every penny on their partner to what? Prove they love them? It made for corporates to make the one thing they love, cold hard cash."

"God, Hoagie, could you just shut up about Valentine's Day capitalism." Abby yelled in frustration.

"Now, it's a party." Nigel smirked.

"What does that mean?" Rachel asked.

"Hoagie's ranting about capitalism, and Kuki and Wally are fighting about love songs. I don't know about you, but this screams Valentine's Day."

"Hey, what can I say." Rachel shrugged. "Who needs love when you have paper work to do?"

 **A/N: Shitty ending, I know.**

 **But anyways here's oneshot number one a few hours early! I'll update again on Tuesday, and then for the rest of the week!**

 **Also, here are the songs I used for this chapter:**

 **"All You Need Is Love" by The Beatles**

 **"All of You" by John Legend**

 **"I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz ll Men**

 **"Tiny Dancer" by Elton John**

 **"As Long As You Love Me" by the Backstreet Boys, not Justin Bieber**

 **"We Found Love" by Rihanna**

 **"I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston**

 **And "Fallin'" by Alicia Keys**

 **I obviously do not own any of these, or I would use the profits to start up the G:KND, or buy Riverdale, and hire new Riverdale writers to better portray my favorite characters (Toni, Fangs, Sweet Pea, Season two Cheryl) aka, the Southside Serpents.**

 **Anyways...if you want to request a oneshot prompt, feel free to do so! I would live suggestions, and new challenges! Just leave it the reviews or PM me!**

 **Constructive Criticism is welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Bye- Nat**


	3. Who Needs Love When You Have the Beach?

"C'mon Nigel!"

"No! There is no way in hell that I'm going to _the beach_!"

Rachel was begging Nigel to come with her to the beach on Valentine's Day, having thought of a way for the eight of them to once again skip the holiday festivities. Nigel had said no since she suggested it, even though she had begged, and begged up until now, when they were about to leave.

Everyone had packed and were ready for the beach, which was about a two hour drive away. The beach surprisingly stayed warm in February, and would not be completely packed, seeing as it was Valentine's Day. Almost everyone was in the car, and about ready to go.

"Rachel, he's not going." Abby said. "Not after what those delightful pervs did."

"Yeah," Hoagie agreed. "Just let him be to look for missions to do and paperwork to file."

"Yeah, I don't need this!" Nigel said. "Please leave me out!"

Rachel let out a long sigh. "Fine, but watch TV for about an hour! Seriously, Nigel, relax for once."

"Never!" Nigel yelled, running off to do paperwork.

"Whatever." Rachel said. "Is everyone ready?"

"Should be." Abby said as they went to the C.O.O.L.B.U.S. "And ignore him, Rach. He doesn't know what he's missing out on."

* * *

"Finally!" Wally yelled as he pushed past everyone in the bus as soon as Hoagie parked. "Sweet sand here I come!"

"Wally and his true love." Hoagie commented. "Sand."

"Leave him alone." Kuki said. "He just likes sand."

"Yeah, and maybe later, he'll fall asleep and we can make him sand boobies." Patton snickered. Hoagie laughed back, and the girls rolled their eyes.

About thirty minutes passed, and everyone was content. Fanny and Abby were sprawled across beach towels and in their phones, Kuki was messing with the sand and building little hills, Hoagie and Patton were in the water, Rachel was doodling in the sand, and Wally was buried in the sand.

Well, they thought Wally was in the sand.

"GUYS!" Wally yelled. "I made a hole!"

Everyone peered down and saw Wally had indeed made a hole, which was roughly the height of him, and the size of a tree stump. Everyone just rolled their eyes.

"Why did you build a hole?" Hoagie asked.

"I got bored of being in the sand!" He said. "And look, I found this-OUCH!"

"What?" Kuki asked.

"A fucking crab pinched me!" He yelled. He threw the crab that he thought was a shell into the ocean, as Patton and Hoagie laughed.

"How do you confuse a crab with a shell?" Hoagie asked.

"Maybe I thought it was a cool crab." Wally defended. "Before it pinched me."

They went back to ignoring him until a loud moaning sound interrupted the beach.

"Wally, did you get pinched by another crustacean you thought was a shell?" Hoagie asked as the moaning became louder.

"No, and it was a crab." Wally said. He smiled thinking he outsmarted Hoagie.

"Then what the hell is that?" Fanny asked.

When she got up, she saw it. Two people doing it in plain sight on the beach.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU NASTY FUCKERS?!" She yelled at them. "DON'T YOU KNOW KIDS COULD BE AT THIS FUCKING BEACH! AND WHAT IF- OW!"

The couple had ran as soon as Fanny started screaming, abandoning the beach. Fanny remained crouched as she cried in pain.

"Fan, what happened?" Rachel asked.

"Jellyfish sting!" She screamed. "And holy fuck does it hurt!"

"Holy shit, let's get you to a hospital." Rachel said as she helped her friend.

"It's too far." Kuki said. "Someone should pee on it instead."

"WHAT?!" Everyone yelled.

"You know, haven't you watched the episode of Friends where Monica gets stung by a Jellyfish and Chandler pees on it to kill the sting?" Kuki suggested.

"She's actually right." Hoagie said. "Piss does kill the pain."

"But I don't have to pee?!" Fanny panicked. "Can't we just go to the- Oh, God ow! Y'know what, somebody pee on it for me!"

"Ewwww." Everyone said.

"Oh, please!" She said. "I can't reach my ankle! Please just make it stop! Make it stop!"

"Fine, I'll do it." Wally huffed. "You owe me, Fulbright."

"For literally peeing on her?" Hoagie asked.

Wally flipped him off.

After five minutes of trying, Wally gave up, stating he was too afraid. Fanny was sobbing from the pain know, begging someone to make it stop.

Finally, Patton came to the rescue.

"Turn around!" He barked at the others. "That includes you too, Fulbright!"

Finally, after what had been done was done, everyone decided it was time to pack up and go home, where Nigel would be waiting. But not for them, for a mission. On the ride home, Fanny and Patton sat a safe distance apart, as well as everyone else from Fanny.

"When you get stung, let me know how it feels." She snarled at everyone.

They finally returned home, to Nigel waiting at the computer for missions. Everyone looked either disgusted or distressed.

"I'm going to take a shower." Fanny said, not bothering to answer questions.

"So how was the beach?" Nigel asked. He did not expect the reaction he got.

"Never say those words to me ever again!"

"Now, something we can finally agree on something."

 **A/N: Okay, so this was inspired by the Friends episode that Kuki mentioned in the episode, having gotten the idea when I watched it. I know this one isn't that great, but I am planning on a bromance one tomorrow, and who doesn't love bromances? So hopefully that one will make up for it.**

 **Also thank you to the lovely bocawitch, odetowords, and KNDnumber170! You're reviews were awesome, and I absolutely adore all of your stories! You guys rock!**

 **Check out my story, The Adventures of Eight Teenage Idiots in Time and the other oneshots I have posted! They may be worth the read! Probably not, but whatever, might as well try.**

 **Constructive Criticism is Welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Bye- Nat**


	4. Who Needs Love When You Have Evil Cats?

**A/N: You guys know how I said I was doing a bromances in the last chapter? Well, I kind of lied. Sorry, I just couldn't come up with anything, and have been on my toes all day at school.**

 **And, I also can't update tomorrow, since my boss decided to have me fill in for a person who's been out for TWO WEEKS, and didn't text me until twenty minutes ago. Thanks a lot, Sharon.**

 **So, before I begin this one shot features my OCs from The Adventures of Eight Teenage Idiots in Time, so I suggest you read until like chapter thirteen before you read this one. Or you can skip it entirely. Which I assume most of you are doing.**

 **Anyways, on with the fic!**

"WILL, ALEX, LOOK WHAT I FOUND!" Charlee squealed as she came into the apartment.

Will and Alex had been pigging out on Valentine's Day chocolates when Will's little sister came into the room, holding up an old and dirty looking cat.

The cat had matted orange fur, mud around his paws, and two teeth poking out of his mouth. He looked like an alley cat that Charlee chased around for about an hour.

"What is that?" Alex asked in horror.

"It's a kitty!" She squealed, squeezing it softly. "Isn't he precious!"

"Sure, Char." Her brother said. "Precious. But why is it in the apartment?"

"We'll..." Charlee trailed off, giving them hopeful looks. "Can we maybe...keep him?"

"NO!" Both of them yelled. Charlee pouted.

"Please, guys!" She begged. "C'mon, it's Valentine's Day tomorrow, and I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm just so lonely..."

"Not on a cold day in hell, Char." Will said. "That thing is disgusting."

"Well, you two are disgusting and I keep you around." Charlee quipped.

"I'm so hurt." Alex mocked. "No, Char."

"Please! I'll do the dishes for a month! I'll take care of him! He'll always be in my room! You'll never have to see him!" Charlee begged. She then let out a single tear.

Will couldn't stand to see his little sister cry, and she knew it. He let our a deep groan which caused Charlee to smile, and Alex to moan.

"Fine, I'll think about it!" Will said.

Charlee cheered and squeezed the cat even harder. She retreated into her room as Alex turned to look at Will, while the cat was slightly hissing at them.

"I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" Will asked.

"You sure are."

* * *

"So Charlee has a cat now?" Bradley asked in amusement.

He, Chris, and Rose were seated in their living room with Will and Alex, Charlee working at her shift at the diner. The cat had came out of her room and was sleeping in a corner like a lion ready to pounce. Alex and Will were terrified of it.

"It's terrifying." Alex said. "Does that look like a cat?"

"Cats are overall terrifying." Chris said. "But yeah, and does that thing always snore like that?"

"Yes, and it hisses at us every time it looks at us." Will said. "That thing only likes Charlee."

"Why?" Rose asked. "Did you guys do something to it?"

"You denied it entry." Bradley said. "And now that it has a place, it will take over your home and kill you two in your sleep."

"It's not a monster Bradley!" Rose argued. "Even though it looks more on the...rough side."

"Rose, admit it, Charlee brought in a cat with a disease." Will stated. "Won't be surprised if it gets everyone fleas."

"How do you think one gets fleas?" Chris asked.

"What did she name it?" Rose asked.

Will and Alex gave them a look, and they understood.

"Something to do with Riverdale?" Bradley asked.

"What else?" Will said.

"Archie?"

"No."

"Fangs?"

"No."

"Sweet Pea?"

"Nope."

"Jughead?"

"Bingo."

"Jughead the cat?" Chris asked. "Why Jughead?"

"She gave up on liking Archie in the fourth season, she wants to marry Sweet Pea, and Fangs seemed like 'too vicious of a name.'" Alex said.

"Fangs? Too vicious? For a cat like that?" Bradley said, pointing to the sleeping cat. "She does see properly, right?"

Th cat huffed in his sleep and yawned, stretching out as Bradley pinpointed at it. It got up and began walking around the room, hissing at everyone.

"I'm starting to believe Bradley's theory on the cat." Chris said. "Maybe it is possessed."

"Maybe." Rose said while eyeing the cat.

A loud noise interrupted their terror, and the cat's intimidation. The cat jumped up five feet in the air, as a gumball shot out of the window, and in Will's hair.

"Oh, fuck." Will stated plainly. "Can't he leave Valentine's Day alone?"

"Guess not." Bradley said as they pulled out weapons from under the couch and chairs.

They all filed outside to see Stickybeard's ship pulled up on the side of the road, as he and his men shot gumballs in the apartment window.

"Oi, dumbasses!" Alex yelled. "Look over here!"

They turned to see Alex yelling at them. Bradley then shot a paintball gun at them, splattering some of them with paint.

They then got on top of the ship and began to attack, even though they were outnumbered. Will and Rose ended up battling Stickybeard himself, shooting gumballs at him.

"What the hell, assface?" Will yelled at him. "Why today?"

"Don't y a lil'fuckers have candy?" He asked. "We're the only ones who need candy!"

"You were sent by Boss, weren't you?" Rose said with malice.

Stickybeards only gave them a rotten smile as Will continued to shoot at him until his gun was empty.

"Dammit!" He yelled. Stickybeard then pointed a canon at Will.

He was about to shoot it as Will refilled when a blur dropped onto his face and began attacking him.

"Why you fuckin'" He yelled as Jughead the cat attacked his face. Rose and Will stepped back in surprise as the cat began to scratch Stickybeard's eyes out.

Stickybeard's crew stopped at the sight of their boss tangled up in a fight with the rabid cat. Bradley, Alex, and Chris smiled in surprise as they all retreated off the ship.

Finally, Stickybeard ordered his candy pirates to retreat as the cat jumped off him, and followed the others back inside. The cat walked in proudly as they left, a smile on the five's faces.

"You know, this cat isn't too bad." Bradley said.

That's also when Jughead bit Alex.

"Ow!" Alex screamed.

"Yeah, not too bad." Will said.

* * *

"Hey, I'm back." Charlee called as she came back into the apartment. "Where's Juggie?"

"In your room." Will said. "And yes, you can keep him. How was the Valentine's Day shift?"

"I can keep him!" Charlee squealed. "Yay! And disgusting, couples are gross. What made you say yes."

"He actually helped in a battle with candy pirates." Bradley said. "And we think he gave Alex rabies when he bit him."

"I fucking hate you all." Alex said.

And that's the story of how Charlee got a cat on Valentine's Day, and why Alex hates it so much.

 **A/N: Shitty, I know. Oh well, it's all I could come up with. Hopefully the fans of The Adventures of Eight Teenage Idiots in Time liked it.**

 **Also, thank you to greydale, KNDnumber170, and bocawitch for your reviews on the last oneshot. I like how every one pointed out that Wally was the first to offer to Piss on Fanny, if anyone watched Friends, they get why. Joey was the first to offer to pee on Monica, but got scared, so Chandler did it. I kind if think of Wally as Joey, since he's kind of a dumbass like him. And Fanny and Patton as Chandler and Monica...well you get it hehehe.**

 **Also, if you want, please leave a request in the reviews or PM me one, if you want these one shots to get any better! I have serious writer's block and have no inspiration. Hopefully, I'll get some by Friday.**

 **Go check out The Adventures of Eight Teenage Idiots in Time! And my other one shots!**

 **Constructive Criticism is welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Bye-Nat**


	5. Who Needs Love When You Have Brothers?

Fanny sat in her room, boxes surrounding her as she tried to put her clothing into each one. Which she found hard to do with a six month pregnant belly. She sighed as she packed her jeans (which she could no longer fit) into a box, as well as some jewelry, makeup and perfume. She let out a small tear as she reached for one of the last things on her dresser,a framed picture of her son.

This had happened two times before. She had fallen pregnant, she didn't do what her father asked, and she was forced out. Then she would come back, after giving up the baby when she realized she couldn't do it. She touched her stomach gingerly as she looked at the photo, hoping that it wouldn't happen a third.

Paddy was playing a video game in his room while listening to music, when he heard the cries of his twenty four year old, pregnant sister. He tried to ignore it, thinking it was pregnancy hormones, but couldn't as the cries grew louder.

His phone then buzzed, showing a text from his girlfriend.

 **"Have u asked her yet"** It read.

He sighed and paused his game, getting up to see his sister. He walked to her door and knocked quietly.

"Fanny? You okay?" He asked.

Fanny gasped at the sound of her twenty year old brother and quickly wiped away her tears. She opened the door and gave him an unconvincing smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She sniffled. "Why?"

"You're crying." He said plainly, pointing to her still red eyes.

"Pregnancy." She brushed it off. "You know how I was with the last two. Now, if you'll excuse me, our father wants me out by five."

"Fan, you know you don't have to leave." Paddy said as she began to pack more. "Dad's just bluffing."

"No, Paddy." She said. "He's not. He said that if I don't have an abortion, or give my baby up, that I'm out of here."

"Fanny, you know that's not true." Paddy argued. "He's just pissed that you got knocked up by..."

He didn't finish his sentence as she turned around, and gave him the "say another word and I'll slit your throat" look.

"I know." Fanny said. "But that does not mean I'm safe here. For all I know, he'll take him in the middle of the night and give him some orphanage in another country. It's not safe, Paddy."

Paddy paused for a minute, but then put an empty box on her bed, and started packing. She gave him a confused look.

"If you're not going to agree with me, I might as well help you." He shrugged. "It's the least I can do."

He began putting blankets and old stuffed Rainbow Monkeys into the box, Fanny giving him a slight smile.

After about an hour, they had finally finished packing, and were sitting around the boxes, against what was Fanny's bed. They both were silent, until Fanny finally spoke up.

"You know, it's a miracle I'm still here." She said quietly.

"Why?" Paddy asked.

"This is my third baby." She said sadly. "And even though I was a pain in the ass, and didn't break up with Patton until a few months ago, they kept me around."

"That's not true." Paddy said. "Sure this is the third one, and you are a pain in the ass, and sure, you kept Patton around, but this isn't the first time it's happened."

"Well-"

"Fan." Paddy said. "You were what, seventeen with your first one, and dad kicked you out the second you told him. After you came home and told us you gave the baby up, they let you move back in. And with your second one, dad kicked you out because of you wouldn't have an abortion. And once again, you moved back when you couldn't take care of the baby, and gave it away. And with this one, you're almost out of college, and it was just a little mistake."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Fanny asked.

"Dad is such a jackass." Paddy said. "He knows we have the money to take care of them, but doesn't want the shame. He's the one who's wrong, not you."

"Thanks." She said, rubbing her stomach. "I don't want him in my baby's life."

"Me neither." Paddy snorted. Fanny raised an eyebrow. Paddy gulped, but explained.

"Lydia's pregnant, too." He said. Fanny's mouth dropped.

"Oh my god, Paddy." She said. "How did that-?"

"You know how, Fan." He said. "And as for when she told me, our Valentine's Day date."

Fanny let out a laugh as he smirked.

"That's one hell of a Valentine's Day present." She said. He nodded in agreement.

"After that, we left the restaurant, took her home to her parents, who are pissed at me by the way, and I found a sleazy bar that doesn't check for ID's and got really drunk. It was the night I spent at Harvey's, since he had to pick me up, after Lyds told Sonia, who told Lee, who told Harvey. And since Mollie's out of town, he was the only one willing to pick me up." He explained. Fanny burst out laughing.

"And you say dad is a jackass." She laughed.

"I apologized the second I sobered up." He said. "I still feel pretty bad, in fact..."

He smiled and took a ring box out of his pocket. Fanny gasped as he opened it.

"Paddy." She said as she took the ring out. It was a golden ring with three diamonds on it. "It's beautiful, but how did you afford it?"

"Dad should really stop leaving his money around the house." He said. "The ring was only half of what I took."

"How much-?" Fanny asked.

"Fanny, he's a monster." Paddy said. "And you know it. He's taking money from poor people he rents shitty apartments, he's not paying his workers enough, and he's violating how many laws. But worst of all,"

Paddy paused and put a hand on Fanny's stomach. "He's the reason those other two aren't here."

"Paddy-"

"Fan, I get it." Paddy insisted. "But c'mon, don't you blame him a little?"

Fanny sighed. "Yeah, I do. But what can we do about it now? If you, ya know, tell him, all three of us will be homeless."

"Well, not exactly." Paddy smirked. "I said there's half the cost of that ring left, right?"

"Are you getting an apartment?" Fanny asked.

"Originally, it was supposed to be for me, Lyds, Sonia, and Lee." He said. "It was a three bedroom loft that four paychecks, and all the money I took could afford. But then, Lydia got pregnant, so Lee and Sonia decided to go and find another one. But me and Lydia are still taking this one."

"So?" Fanny asked. "What does this have to do with us?"

"Well, me and Lydia sort of need another person to help pay rent." He said, giving her a smile. "And you're going to be out of college in a few months...and have a job as a nurse...

"Paddy, are you asking me to move in?" Fanny asked.

"Consider it as a Valentine's day present." He said. "Please Fan."

Fanny nodded, and he cheered.

"I'll text Lydia." He said, taking out his phone. "Oh, and we're also getting a bit of help from Lydia's parents. They know already, Lydia's mom is the one who made her take a test. And, I'll tell dad tonight, and we can both walk out of here, and never come back. I feel a little bad for leaving Shaunie, but he'll get it. Oh, God I'm finally-"

Fanny closed the door on him as he walked back to his room to pack. She gave a happy smile as she looked around her stripped room, and few boxes. Something she's seen two other times.

 _"This time will be different."_ She thought to herself as she touched her stomach.

 **A/N: So sorry for the wait! And that this isn't a bromance!**

 **My only excuse is that my stupid boss (her name isn't really Sharon. It's just what me and my co-workers call her when we complain a t work) couldn't give me a heads up when she scheduled me to cover for someone thisx weekend.**

 **Oh, and I got some really great news yesterday! My siblings (the twins) are coming home for their birthday on Thursday, or Valentine's Day from Orlando! They're getting here on Tuesday, and staying until Saturday! I'm so happy, it's been forever since I've seen them!**

 **So, hopefully I'll update again later on today, and hopefully for the rest of the week, as long as my boss doesn't give me a surprise shift, because I'm only scheduled for Tuesday, Wednesday, and for like two hours on Friday for a co-worker.**

 **Also, thank you to bocawitch, greydale, and KNDnumber170 for your reviews! They're awesome as always and so greatly appreciated! You guys are amazing!**

 **Check out my other stories!**

 **Constructive Criticism is Welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Bye- Nat**


	6. Who Needs Love When You Have Videos?

Rachel walked inside the Sector V treehouse, a DVD package in her hand. Kuki, Nigel, and Abby were sitting around the treehouse, watching TV or on their phone.

"Hey, Rach." Nigel said as she came in. "Happy Valentine's Day."

"Hey, Happy Valentine's day, you guys mind if I keep this here?" She asked, holding up the DVD. "It's something my mom's teacher friend gave me for her today."

"What's in on?" Kuki asked.

"Well, my mom's pregnant, and it's been eleven years since she, you know...so this is a bit of a, um, refresher!" Rachel said.

"Is it of how to like, take care of the baby?" Kuki asked. "Because if it is, can I-"

"No!" Rachel said quickly. "It's not a, um, PG-13 movie."

"Well, what could it be of?" Kuki asked. "Like, how to change a baby's diaper?"

"No," Rachel said. "It's a, um, Abby can you-?"

"Got it." Abby said. "Kuki, it's a birthing video."

"What does that mean?" Kuki asked.

"It's a video of a baby coming from a woman." Abby explained. "Is Abby right, Rach?"

"Yes." Rachel sighed.

"Oh." Kuki said.

"Why on earth is it called, 'Candy on Cookie'?" Nigel asked as he read the title.

"This may be her sister." Rachel said in disdain. "I don't know. I've got to go."

Before she left, she took a second to notice how quiet it was.

"Before I leave, may I ask where Hoagie and Wally are?" She asked.

"Oh, they got a detention for pouring acids on each other during science. They'll be here in about an hour." Kuki explained.

"Okay..." Rachel said. "I'll be back later to get it."

"Bye, Rach!" They all called as she left.

* * *

Wally and Hoagie came into the treehouse, arguing.

"You could have so killed me." Wally insisted.

"Wally, how many times do I have to tell you, backing soda and vinegar can't kill you." Hoagie said. "And, you poured it on me first."

"Well, you were being an ass." Wally said.

"Well, you are also being an ass-id." Hoagie giggled to himself. "Get it?"

"Yeah, and you wonder why I hadn't done it sooner." Wally said. "Where are the others?"

"Obviously not here." Hoagie said. "Here." He said, lifting up a note in Abby's handwriting.

 _Dumbasses, we left to get pizza. May be about an hour. Don't worry, there'll be enough for you. -Abby_

"Why didn't she just text?" Wally asked. Hoagie shrugged. He then noticed the DVD package, labeled 'Candy on Cookie'.

"Oooh." He said to himself.

"What?" Wally asked.

"It's porn!" Hoagie cried happily.

"Where'd it come from?" Wally asked, taking the package.

"The porn gods?! A Valentine's Day miracle?!" Hoagie said. "Who gives a fuck, Wally, it's free porn!"

"It's better than stealing from the porn store." Wally said. "Go on, put it in!"

He took out two root beers and a bag of chips as Hoagie put the video in. They both fell onto the couch, ready to see something their fourteen year old minds always think about.

The video started, but it wasn't a sexy porn scene. Instead, it was a woman in a hospital, crying loudly.

"I don't think this is..."

The camera then turned to...that area as the doctors screamed that the woman was ready, and to start pushing.

"What kind of...?"

The baby's head was then seen on the television, as it exited it's mother.

"HOLY FUCK?!" Hoagie screamed, as Wally fainted from the blood. Hoagie hurried to turn off the TV.

"That is so NOT porn."

* * *

Kuki, Abby, and Nigel came back into the treehouse with a pizza, laughing at something. Hoagie and Wally stayed on the couch, stoic and frozen.

"Hey!" Kuki said. "We got pizza!"

"Not hungry." Hoagie mumbled.

"Wally?"

"Can't eat." He said.

"What's up?" Abby asked. "Normally, we can't get food away from them."

She turned to look at the boys. They had shell shocked expressions, and Wally had a mustache drawn on his face with a Sharpie. They weren't moving, and not responding.

"The hell happened?" Abby asked.

"That." Hoagie said, pointing to the DVD player.

Abby took the DVD out and read it, her jaw dropping.

"You watched the birthing video?!" She said in disbelief.

"What?!" Kuki asked. "Why would you watch that?"

"We..we, um, we..." Hoagie stuttered under the gaze of the two girls.

"You two thought it was porn." Nigel said. Abby and Kuki glared at them.

Wally shrugged. "Yeah, we totally did."

"Wally?!" Hoagie hissed. "Now they think we're perverts."

"We already think your perverts." Nigel said. "But why the hell would you think it's porn? And why would it be here?"

"We thought it was a gift from the porn gods." Wally said.

"Or, a you know, Valentine's Day miracle." Hoagie shrugged.

"Why would either of those be a logical explanation?" Nigel asked.

"And a Valentine's Day miracle would you two getting dates." Abby added.

"Well, why the fuck is a birth video here?!" Hoagie asked.

"It's Rachel's." Nigel said.

Wally gasped. "Rachel has a kid?"

Hoagie smacked his head. "No, idiot."

"It's for Rachel's mom." Abby explained. "From one of her friends. Rachel left it here, since she's coming by later."

"Hey, guys!" Rachel called as she came into the treehouse with Fanny and Patton. "Sorry we're late. How much-?"

They stopped when she saw Hoagie and Wally sitting shell shocked on the couch and Abby, Kuki, and Nigel glaring at them.

"What's up?" Patton asked.

"They watched Rachel's mom's friend's birthing video thinking it was porn!" Abby yelled.

"What?!" Rachel asked.

"That's right we watched to video!" Wally yelled. "And let me just say one thing, it's horrific!"

No one was paying attention to him, since he had a sharpie mustache.

"You do realize you have a Sharpie mustache, right Mr. Swanson." Patton said.

Wally turned to Hoagie, who was snickering.

"Unfortunately had to find a way to get my mind off the thing!" He said.

"By drawing on my face!" Wally said.

"You passed out in the first five seconds." Hoagie said. "You deserved it."

"It was disgusting." He said. "It would have made any of you pass out!"

"It's just a birthing video." Abby laughed. "It can't be that bad."

"Yeah." Nigel smirked. "The acid you poured on each other must have scrambled your brains or something."

"Watch it yourselves." Hoagie said. "Then tell us."

"We will." Rachel said, starting the video.

Everyone sat down on the couch, while the video started, and Wally immediately fainted again.

"Stoopid boy." Fanny scoffed. "Can't even handle a little blood."

"To be fair, he is hemophobic." Hoagie said. "And just watch."

They all rolled their eyes, but regretted it after watching the next scene.

"HOLY SHIT?!"

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

"HOW COULD IT DO THAT TO A GROWN WOMAN?!"

"OH, FUCK WHAT'S THAT?!"

"MY EYES, MY FUCKING EYES!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK, RACHEL TURN IT OFF!"

Rachel immediately turned off the TV. They sat in silence as they processed what they just watched.

"I'm never having kids."

 **A/N: So, this was inspired by the Friends episode, "The One With the Birthing Video", or the Valentine's Day episode from season eight. And yes, they are fourteen in this oneshot.**

 **Go check out my other stories!**

 **Constructive Criticism is Welcomed!**

 **Please Review!**

 **Bye-Nat**


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